A Wretched Hive: Why I Hate Facebook

Here at the Nursery I generally like to keep things positive. I tend to like to write about things that I actually enjoy, you know? Today's different. I'm in serious journalist mode today. I'm in the mood to write about everything that's wrong with the world and what we can do about it. Well, that and I kind of just wanted to rant about "kids these days" and why they suck.

So with that out of the way I'd like to say a few words about Facebook.com (my nemesis). Now before I continue I need to make it clear that I don't think Facebook in and of itself is a bad thing. Facebook is just like the oxygen destroyer in Godzilla. It's just a tool that has the potential to be devastating when in the wrong hands. Of course there are some big differences between Facebook and the oxygen destroyer. For starters, Dr. Serizawa is, like, a gazillion times cooler than Mr. Zuckerberg. That's just a fact of life, and it will continue to be so until Mark drops the fleeces and flip-flops and starts sporting a badass eyepatch. More importantly, though, is that Dr. Serizawa never released his deadly invention to the public, whereas Facebook has infected the modern world like plague.

Facebook started off catering to college kids, which I get. I mean, no offense to that segment of the population, but they're not exactly the most discerning bunch of people. To a bunch of bored, lonely, tech-savvy 18 year-olds, I can totally see where something like Facebook would look like a great way to waste your time. At least to a point. I don't get the staying power of Facebook. I don't get why people stay on it for years. I don't get so-called "addictions" to Facebook, and I'm baffled by full-grown adults who use the site.

Let me back up for a second and talk about my (brief) Facebook experience. I had an account a few years back. It was mildly entertaining at the outset. As should be no surprise to anybody who reads this blog, I initially got into making sure my list of favorite films was just right (Star Wars and The Matrix got top billing, if I remember correctly). I cluttered my page with different apps, all of which were utterly pointless yet entertaining in a mindless sort of way. I posted reviews for different books I had read. Whether anybody actually cared about what I had to say about the Battle Royale manga or Gloria Stuart's autobiography was beside the point. My Facebook page was simply a shrine to my nerdy teenage self. Nothing more, nothing less. It was fun for a year and then I grew up.

So that's what I don't get in regards to Facebook. It's beyond me how people can stay devoted to the site for any significant length of time. And now with adults getting in on the Facebook action my mind is blown even further. Facebook makes sense if your a wayward teen looking for friends, independence, and an identity, but don't the mature among us have better things to do than stare at a webpage with a cheesy picture of themselves at the top?

Believe me, I wanna be open minded about this. As I've said in other posts, I'm a fan of the Internet. I want to be on board with what's big on the web, but every time I hear about the pics you posted on Facebook I just die a little bit inside. The narcissism of it is what gets to me. That and the utter lack of creativity that goes into using Facebook. Don't get me wrong, stalking random people on Facebook can provide hours of voyeuristic entertainment. I equate it to a sort of digital Rear Window scenario (presumably minus the murder). But the kind of fun provided by Facebook is an empty calorie sort of entertainment. It keeps you from gnawing your limbs off in boredom, but it's not intellectually or emotionally stimulating in the slightest. I feel as if we'd all be a little more interesting if we just stepped away from the Internet more often, but especially if we stepped away from Facebook.